WaterWorks Outing August 28, 2004

The Legend of 'Dirty Ron'

Some claim he was merely a sub-standard human, likely the result of generations of inbreeding. Others posit that he was a highly trained primate, an as yet unclassified protohuman or even some human-ape hybrid loosed upon an unsuspecting world from the basement of a top secret government laboratory. Whatever he was, everyone who was there that day is in agreement that he called himself ‘Ron’ and he was certainly dirty. He enjoyed beer and volleyball, and even engaged in a primitive courtship with the sister of one of the witnesses. Sadly, as is the case with most legends of the modern era, the only evidence of Dirty Ron’s presence that day are the cloudy, alcohol fueled recollections of a handful of people with suspect backgrounds and a single grainy, out of focus photograph.

Most who were there and witnessed the day’s events firsthand are no longer willing to come forward with their stories for fear of being branded delusional crackpots, on a par with UFO abductees. One person willing to go on the record had this to say: “Oh yeah, Ron’s for real alright. I’ll tell you how real he is. That hairy dirty bastard stole my goddamn shirt. How real’s that for you?” claimed Max Cavallaro. Mr. Cavallaro, who was indeed shirtless at the time of the interview, further claimed that the creature left behind his own “stanky blood stained shirt”, possibly as some sort of ancient ritual signifying mutual respect. Others who were there and remember the soiled offering couldn’t explain why the only physical evidence of Dirty Ron’s existence was left behind. It’s likely that a prevailing sense of bewilderment and disgust precluded any logical thought of collecting the garment for scientific study. Unfortunately, as any student of recent history knows, the decision as to whether a garment stained with human fluids should be preserved can make all the difference between plausible deniability and presidential impeachment. Thus, the legend of ‘Dirty Ron’ will continue to be debated between the true believers and skeptics, the subject of hoaxes and urban legends, confined to the pages of the tabloids in supermarket checkout lines.